How can raising children bring greater joy and satisfaction to a marital relationship?

 How can raising children bring greater joy and satisfaction to a marital relationship?

The first greatest challenge that a couple will face in their new life together, is bringing life into the world! Yes, the birth of a child will not only shape who the parents are as individuals, but it will also force their relationship with one another to change. My hope is to teach others how having children can strengthen a marital relationship rather than weaken it.

First, let's consider the reasons why relationships with a married couple might change when their first child is born. For one thing, children take things. Raising a child takes time, attention, love, money, and stamina. The time and attention that was solely shared between husband and wife is now being divided between them and another member of their growing family. Is the time it takes to raise a child and the attention they demand an inherently bad thing? Of course not! However, every minute that is dedicated to the care of a child is a minute that that couple does not spend solely together. Lauer and Lauer's book "Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy" supports this idea by stating that marital satisfaction may decline because parents "are consumed with the endless tasks of parenthood.". The truth is, relationships take time, and that time is now forced to be shared between more than a husband and wife. It is crucial for the couple to conscientiously make time for each other during their experience as parents if they hope to maintain and strengthen their marital bond.

Unfortunately, research has shown that married couples, primarily husbands, report more disagreements when becoming parents. What's interesting about the researchers' findings is that the husbands actually tends to agree more with their wife about decisions, but they perceive them to disagree more. "The husbands perceived a much lower level of agreement and consequently, they reported a lower level of marital satisfaction.". Although the reports are disheartening, doesn't it make sense? Think about a new father. He may be striving to do all he can to provide for the growing family while still learning how to adjust to the challenges of parenthood. He then is given feedback by his wife on things he can improve upon in his new role as a dad, and the criticism, although helpful, may become discouraging. Furthermore, he thinks that the feedback from his wife is causing more disagreements between them. Of course, this is only a hypothetical situation, but it is insightful to consider what the new father is going through.

Although fathers have their own difficulties when adjusting to parenthood, new mothers don't have it easy either.  There are an innumerable number of adjustments that a woman must make in sacrifice for her child. She may feel, due to her many responsibilities in their role as mother, that her husband is not contributing the same amount of effort to rearing the child. However, if a newly married couple were to discuss their expectations that they had for one another when raising children, so much of the conflict between them would be resolved before it occurred. Communicating expectations for one another leads to a stronger relationship between husband and wife as they see their spouse fulfilling what they have committed to doing instead of the lack thereof.

Not every marital relationship will be the same and there will always be unique needs dependent on differing matters of conflict. However, universal advice for the couple is how they should spend their time. Couples may spend less time as just a couple, but think about how much stronger their relationship could become if the time they spent rearing their children was spent together! It turns out that the very thing dividing some couples, (more time spent raising children) is what is strengthening marital bonds in others! Wouldn't it be an incredible opportunity for a wife to see the sacrifices her husband is willing to make to provide for their growing family? Wouldn't it greatly benefit the husband to see the loving and tender way his wife cares for their child?  Couples who choose equally share the responsibility to raise children will grow closer together as a married couple. 

So, how can raising children bring greater joy and satisfaction to a marital relationship? My suggestion is in four simple words: by doing it together.

Works Cited:

Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer. Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, McGraw Hill LLC, New York, NY, 2022.